“Fool” by Christina Knowles

Barren path“Fool”

I wander through a garden

Tall and green and dripping with the dew

The twisting path, the hidden

The way I thought I knew

Petals, velvetly imbue

A facile façade of innocence

But the thorny branch is true

The Judas kiss equivalence

The truth I never knew

The Pathos of pretense

I was fooled through and through

Mired in the dense

Brush, I construe

The twisted path is lost

I fight to make it through

The symbols I have crossed

The signs were always there

The realization overdue

A switchback won’t repair

A road I never knew

I reconnect and reassess

The lies and the true

The despair that I suppress

Is the path I make anew

Through a barren garden

Trimmed a bit too low

I walk along disheartened

For the beauty I forego

–Christina Knowles

Photo: Barren Path | by H. Evan Miller

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Honesty by Christina Knowles

Honesty“Honesty”

Like through crystal clear glass

I see you beyond

The unconscious impasse

Your words and your actions correspond

Not even a mist fogs this air

Things we share impossibly

Risking all that we care

For honesty

Because without it, we’re just strangers

Alone in the world of the mind

Lonely traitors

Intimacy left behind

Without truth

We can’t find each other

Play the game of sleuth

Why bother?

The real me misconstrued

The real you

Subdued

Living lives we never knew

So, with you, only honesty

I won’t conceal me

No pretense; an improbability

But there’s no lying harmlessly

No caravan of tales

I don’t want to live alone

Because honestly, pretending pales

In the light of being known

—Christina Knowles

“I Know” by Christina Knowles

Holocaust

“I Know”

Please don’t tell me

what I already know

what I don’t believe

anyway

‘cuz I’ve considered the source

So where are these angels

sent to deliver us?

Heard it before, no need to discuss

I know, I know

God’s not a vending machine

But I’m not asking for a Coke.

I’ve heard the clichés

I’m not buying today

Mom’s dying and Dad’s in jail

Sister’s going to foster care

and I’m going to hell

I know, I know

His ways are not ours

How could we expect them to make sense?

He never gave you a mind ‘cuz you was supposed

To think

Shut it up tight, and believe with all your might

One might think He really doesn’t want you to believe

Don’t listen to reason; it’s just there to deceive

I know, I know

He’s our invisible friend

in the sky

We need to have faith

Faith like a child

Because only a child could believe it

Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny’s

Our path to perceive it

I know, I know

God is good no matter what He does

He always gets a pass

Find a parking space—Praise God

No answer to prayer; He’s just telling you to wait

I lose my job; He has a plan

No worries; it’s better than Crack

Hardly any withdrawal when you come off this Smack

I know, I know

He works in mysterious ways

And it’s not His fault, 10,000 die in an earthquake

or six million Jews at the hand of His creation

We just live in a broken world

because some chick had no willpower

Of course, who are we to question that logic?

If you do, He may well devour

you in that last hour.

I know, I know

It’ll be okay, some day, some day

In eternity

The imaginary place where God makes up for all the shit

He did to you in this life

Your only life

Don’t hold your breath

Go ahead and breathe while you can

There aint gonna be no TV angels

Coming to touch your miserable life

Maybe, if you’re lucky,

He’ll just ask you to sacrifice your child

To prove your loyalty

I know, I know

At the last minute He yells, “Psych!”

All in good fun

After all, He murdered His son

See what a good father does?

He’ll cure your cancer—don’t call it remission

Even though it will probably come back

But don’t ask Him to grow back limbs

‘Cuz He’s a union fan

Do you really want to spend eternity

with this man?

That’s blasphemy

I know

A travesty because we only exist to glorify this

That’s morality?

I don’t think so.

I know what I know.

–Christina Knowles (2009)

Photo: Snagged from http://www.yadvashem.org/yv/en/holocaust/about/03/daily_life_gallery.asp

“Apprentice” by Christina Knowles

“Apprentice”

GoodFon.su
GoodFon.su

Chipped wood

Nicked and dented

Purposely abused to create

What was not earned

Am I a craftsman then?

Or a liar?

Fabricated walls

“Aged” plaster

Crackled paint chips

Shards that flake off into

My shaking hand

Like broken glass

Glass like metal shavings

Their fragmented images

Steal my light

Sending it in a dozen different

Directions

Confusing me

With ambiguous fingers

Pointing first this way

Then that, iridescent swirling hope

A spectrum of half-truths

Promise the possibility

Of a lovely destruction

Even an apprentice can make something

Beautiful

Now and then

–Christina Knowles (2015)

10 Mind-Bending Epiphanies That Changed My Life by Christina Knowles

epiphany1) I’ll never be all caught up. Getting caught up in getting caught up is like a hamster running in a wheel. It’s pointless, so stop trying so hard. Now I make a few daily goals, but getting done with everything is no longer on the list. Knowing it is impossible sets me free to just stop and relax once in a while.

2) Pain is our friend. Whether it is physical pain or emotional pain, it is a signal that we need to do something different. It is the catalyst for change. Embrace it.

3) To some extent, you are already doing what you want to do, or you wouldn’t be doing it. Let’s be honest for a second. We can’t make ourselves do anything we don’t want to do for any length of time. Otherwise, we’d all be thin, healthy, and adept at meditation. So, the fact that I’ve been a teacher for 15 years must mean that some part of me actually wants to be a teacher. The same is true for all the rest of my habitual behavior.

4) I’ve believed lies most of my life, but because of this, I don’t know if my current beliefs are also lies. We grow up listening to and believing everything our parents or authority figures tell us. Then we find out that much of what we learned and believed is not true. We read, discover, and form our own ideas and teach them to other people who grow up and realize that much of what we taught them is not true. Who really knows the truth?

5) Marriage doesn’t have to be work, and shouldn’t be. People who tell you how hard marriage is and how much effort you have to put into it have bad marriages, so don’t listen to anything they say. Who would want to be married if it made your life more difficult? Evolutionarily speaking, the whole point of marriage is to make life easier. Don’t fight nature. Marry someone who is easy to be married to.

6) You don’t have to worry—I’m serious, you really don’t. Worrying is a choice. Sometimes we unconsciously begin to worry, but as soon as we realize we’re doing it, we can choose to stop. I know it’s cliché, but worrying never changed anything except your mood and physical health for the worse. There’s no point, and I’m too busy for pointless things. Whenever I start to worry, I allow myself to imagine the worse thing that can happen. It’s pretty ridiculous and funny, so it snaps me out of worrying pretty quickly, which leads me to number 7.

7) The only people who are stressed are people who care too much. I love the saying, “I don’t know about my bucket list, but my fucket list is getting pretty long.” The quickest way to stress-free living is shockingly not meditation—I’ve tried that. It’s saying, “Fuck it.” If something is going to cause my stomach to turn to knots, I realize that it must be something over which I have very little control, so I choose to not care about it anymore. I realize this is not possible in every case, especially when it comes to the health of loved ones, but as I understand number 6, there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.

8) We can love or hate anyone, regardless of what they are like. Almost 50 years of life has taught me that loving or hating someone is more about me than it is about them. I have learned that I am capable of loving the most unlovable person once I learn enough about them to understand their perspectives, what made them like they are, what is important to them, what they fear and for what they hope, and see them as they see themselves. Conversely, I can despise wonderful people if I choose to see them only through their faults, mistakes, or little annoyances.

9) Everyone is mentally ill, but then mental illness is normal, so no one is mentally ill. It seems like everyone has some sort of neuroses, depression, or anxiety today, so much so, that it’s hard to find someone who is not depressed, bi-polar, who does not have OCD, ADHD, addictive behavior, or some nervous disorder. It’s like allergies. Almost everyone has one. So doesn’t that make it the norm? And if it’s normal to have these brain malfunctions, then are they malfunctions? I’m not talking about serial killers here—serious sociopaths. I’m speaking of all the little idiosyncrasies that are now so common. Didn’t we always have them? We just didn’t label them and medicate them in the past. Get over it; you’re normal.

10) Death is not a big deal to the person who is dead. As a person who has serious doubts about the existence of an afterlife, I’m not worried about it. When I’m dead, I won’t know it, so what’s the big deal? Bury me, cremate me, throw me in a ditch. Who cares? I’m not there anymore. Sure, my life will be over along with all my potential, all my hopes and dreams, but again, I won’t know it, so what’s all the fuss about?

11) We choose friends in whom we see what we like about ourselves. People say that when we dislike something in another person, we are really seeing something in them which is negative about ourselves. I don’t know if that’s true, but the converse is most assuredly true. We really do choose friends in whom we see what we like about ourselves. We like them because we have these things in common, and because of them, we notice the best in ourselves.

12) People continue to lie when the best thing in the world is to be known, known by self and others, truly known. In an effort to be accepted, they never can be, and they are subconsciously preventing their own happiness.

Yes, I can count. I said there were 10 epiphanies that changed my life, but then I wrote 12. Well, as a person about to turn 50, I refuse to be constrained by a number. I am a rebel, and 10 sounded better than 12 in the title. But seriously, when I realized each one of these things, it changed my whole outlook on life, for the better, I’d like to think. So mind-bending? Yes, whenever my worldview shifts and things become clear and my life changes as a result, I consider my mind bent. —Christina Knowles

Photo courtesy of cloudfront.net

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