Earlier today I was reflecting on some things that I wish I would not keep doing, so I thought I would make a list of things that I will never do again. But then, while I was making a serious list, I realized that it is almost a certainty that I would, in fact, fall victim to these behaviors again at some point in my life. So instead, I came up with a list that I think I can actually stick to.

I will never again:

  1.  Go on an amusement park ride that I don’t like. Why do people feel they have to persuade, plead, and demean others into going on rides they do not like? I don’t like rides that spin or go backwards, and I’m done being talked into them. If I go to an amusement park, I want to be amused. It is not amusing leaning over trash cans the rest of the day. Never again. I do want I want.
  2. Get a puppy. Only adult dogs for me from now on. I am done training puppies. It is too stressful, and I care too much about my house to do that ever again. I’ve found that one can train an adult dog in about a week to follow the rules in one’s home. That works for me.
  3. Buy an unflippable mattress. Don’t believe the lie. You need to be able to flip your mattress. Also, do not believe the warranty has any validity whatsoever. I’ve found that jumping off the roof onto a mattress does not cause sufficient damage for the manufacturer to consider the springs sagging. If you don’t completely disappear into the depression in the mattress, don’t bother filing a warranty claim.
  4. Stay in friendships with people who don’t respect me, my time, my feelings, or just want to use me when they need help. I don’t have enough hours in the day to waste on these friendships. I prefer to spend my time with people who care about me as much as I care about them.
  5. Plant a giant garden that needs tending when I plan to write a book. Or start any other major project when I need to be writing a book. Just write the damn book!
  6. Engage in meaningless small talk. Instead of answering “Fine,” to questions about how things are going to people who don’t really want to know how things are going, I will give them personal and exhaustive details to ensure that they never attempt to force me into small talk again. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.
  7. Buy clothes that are too small, hoping to fit in to them in the future. It’s better to have cute clothes that fit than to have cute clothes going out of style with the tags still on, taunting me for years every time I open the closet.
  8. Lend a valued possession to anyone without writing down who I lent it to.
  9. Lend a valued possession at all. If I do lend it, I will just consider it gone forever.
  10. Tell something I don’t want a lot of people to know to someone I know cannot be trusted. I will learn this lesson. I will learn this lesson. I will.
  11. Stay up all night engaged in an argument. Maybe one should never go to bed mad, but one should never stay up all night mad either. Better to be mad and well-rested than to be mad and exhausted. Also, after a certain hour, one begins to lose the ability to recall injuries from the past to throw in the face of the person to whom one is arguing.
  12. Get dressed for hosting a dinner party before cooking dinner. I always have to change after cooking. Maybe I should invest in an apron.
  13. Stand on something that was not meant to be stood upon. I always forget that I don’t weigh 97 pounds anymore.
  14. Fill my plate at a party without sampling the food first. I have yet to master the subtle plate dump in the midst of a group of friends and family.
  15. Trust a hairdresser to understand what I want in one explanation. The older one gets, the longer it takes to grow one’s hair back. Pictures don’t work either. I find forcing them to look into my eyes for at least ten seconds before threatening their first born children the most helpful.

I think that is just about all I can commit to at the moment. Until next time–Christina Knowles

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