The musings of author Christina Knowles
A voice whispers
A solution
The sound
Echoes
In this life
Echoes of thoughts
Of love
Of truth
Resounding and inspiring
Life
Starts over
Without fear
A perfect world
“Tomorrow,”
A voice whispers
—Christina Knowles (2006)
Photo via abduzeedo.com
Once again I sit here reflecting on the year that is coming quickly to a close. As all years do, 2015 brought its share of joys, heartaches, and problems, and with them life-lessons and growth. Looking back on this year, the things that stand out to me most are the tragedies and illnesses of those close to me, and though these stories are not mine to tell, I have learned from them. I’ve learned about the value of love, loyalty, and to prioritize time with loved ones above all else. With that in mind, I’ve had my own issues with which I have dealt.
The biggest personal event in my life this year was probably experiencing a stress heart attack last summer. It was minor, and I have been given a clean bill of health, but nevertheless, it was the catalyst for making several changes that I knew I needed to make for some time, but like most people, I had to come face-to-face with my own limitations before accepting them.
As a result of this event and of the tragedies and illnesses of those close to me this year, I have finally “lightened up.” I no longer work every night at home on schoolwork. I grade almost all my papers at school, I do most of my planning at school, and I simply eliminated anything that was not essential or directly related to my students’ success and learning. I work my butt off at work, and I still work my butt off at home, but it’s different work. It’s my work—creative work that I choose. I spend my time doing what I think is important because my time is not guaranteed to last.
So often, it seems, that we imagine we will have time to be happy later, time to relax and do what we want some day. Maybe we are waiting for retirement, but sometimes retirement never comes. Maybe we are waiting for a new job to make our lives more bearable, a new schedule to give us time to spend nurturing relationships, or to make more money to make our lives more enjoyable or less stressful, but what we don’t realize is that waiting will never end unless we just stop. Just stop waiting to be happy. Happiness can be found right now in every day.
So instead of detailing all the things that happened this past year, I’ll just say that some of it was good and some of it was not, but I learned from it all, and what I learned is that my life is in my control, and I don’t need a specific set of circumstances to start living it the way I want to.
All in all, I am happy with how this year turned out, happy with what I did with the time allotted, and that’s a good feeling. This year I learned to prioritize my life, find more balance than I ever had before, and do things that give me and those I love the most benefit from the time we have. Time won’t slow down, and I probably won’t either, but I can decide what is worthy of the minutes of my life. And the funny thing is that all of those things that I was waiting on to change, don’t even need to change anymore because I have changed. I love my job again. I love my home-life. I love where my career is going in both teaching and writing. I love my life again. I’m not waiting for anything to get better ever again. I’m making what I have better and enjoying every minute of it. Happy New Year!—Christina Knowles
We’ve all had that neighbor, the neighbor that makes us want to immediately put our house on the market and move. I’ve lived next door to this neighbor for the past seven years. They let their weeds grow, they do stupid, weird things like instead of fixing the fence, they nail brand new boards to the broken down posts, adding more weight to something that already could not support the weight it had—even after we offered to go in with them, paying for half of it ourselves. They park rusted RVs that don’t run in their driveway for 6 months at a time. In the summer, they have parties in their backyard that start at 3 AM and go until about 7 AM—loud parties. But I can live with all of that without complaining. What bothers me is how they treat their dogs—and the fact, that I can never get a good night’s sleep in my own bed because of them.
They have several big dogs. At times there are up to five of them, but usually I only see two or three. I think the owner shares custody with her ex-husband, so they come and go. They have a large fenced backyard, but the dogs have to stay in about one quarter of the yard in a dog run. Within the dog run, there is a smaller caged area. I’m not sure what that is for, and thankfully, I’ve never seen any of the dogs in it. The dogs can run back and forth, but it looks really boring and not of adequate size for big dogs. In the dog run, there is a big plastic shed that takes up a lot of the space, and they do have a dog house for shelter. The ground is dirt, and there is no grass to roll in or trees for shade. In the summer, the people take them on a walk about once a week. I think the dogs are pretty bored and neglected, so I’m not blaming them, but at least one of them barks continuously all night.
My bedroom window is right next to their backyard—the side with the dog run. These dogs are out even on the coldest nights. Sub zero temperatures? They are out and bark even more, probably trying to stay warm.
At first, I politely went to their door to talk to them during the day. They did not answer, after clearly peaking through the window at me. Then I would ring the doorbell in the middle of the night in my bathrobe while the dogs were ferociously barking in the backyard. No answer, but the dogs would mysteriously disappear inside for about an hour. Then I escalated to ringing their doorbell over and over, ringing it perhaps twenty times in a row in the middle of the night. No answer. Next, I called the police, standing in my backyard, making the dispatcher listen to a chorus of five barking dogs at 4 AM. The police arrived, rang the door bell, the dogs mysteriously disappeared into the house. No answer—even for the cops. The police told me that since the barking had stopped, they couldn’t do anything about it. The dogs were released back into the yard twenty minutes after the police left and continued to bark all night. Next, I called the Humane Society when the dogs were barking all night in sub zero temperatures. They said if the dogs had a dog house, there was nothing they could do. I took to going over to their house as soon as my alarm went off in the morning at 4:45 AM to ring their doorbell twenty times whether their dogs were barking or not. This is what bad neighbors reduce you to—pathetic and childish retaliators, obsessed with revenge for lost sleep and neglected dogs. I didn’t like what I had become. Helpless anger has always been my most despised emotion.
I’ve had many suggestions; one that sounds great—shaming them publicly, which I guess I’m trying to do right now. The only problem is that I won’t reveal who they are or their address because I worry that if they end up getting harassed, then there may be legal ramifications for me—oh, the injustice! Also, giving out their address makes mine public by extrapolation. Despite my filling the internet with my personal business, I do appreciate some privacy. What to do, what to do?
My only weapon has ever been words, specifically the written word. I am going to write them a letter, detailing their crimes, and how these have affected my life. Specifically sleep! The lack of, by the way, my doctor has blamed for a recent stress angina I suffered. I should sue them! But, I will just make my case in written form, appealing to their common decency and educating them on the need for warm shelter for the other victims of their crimes—the poor dogs, who obviously are not content suffering through the winter in their stark, freezing, and boring dog pen. I wonder if they will care. Will they even read it? Perhaps, if I leave it on their doorstep on Christmas Eve with a plate of cookies, after ringing the doorbell thirty or forty times, of course.—Christina Knowles
Cartoon by Carpenter, Dave
An unexpected gift
Like waking up on Christmas morning
Brightly colored packages piled high by the tree
Sitting in the dim glow of the TV
The “Closed” message trails across the bottom of the screen
Outside, it’s still dark but with a mysterious glow
Surreal, as if lit from some unknown source
The white sky, a snow globe, shaken
Oversized and intricately detailed flakes
Drift gently to the ground
Forming a lumbering blanket of white
Mounds drift and roll and disappear
Into the fog, the thick, wet air
Not quite frozen, heavy with the promise
Of more to come
I turn on the lights of the Christmas tree
The undulating glow casts a soft pattern on the wall
The village lights reflect on the glittery surface of the snow
My own private scene suspended in time
I light the fire and sit, absorbing the moment
The gift
A day to do anything, my own suspension of time
Life does not go on without me
I’m not missing anything
When I emerge from my snowy haven
Life will be just as I left it
—Christina Knowles (2015)
I dance this pen across the world
and all I am is set free.
Words become separate
lives unto themselves,
free to roam and do as they please,
to be sucked up by thirsty souls
and to be tossed aside as waste by others.
Sometimes ignored, unread
but still looming, like ghosts
invisible but present
or taken and changed—
Emerging,
interpreted and reinterpreted.
Unrecognizable to their maker,
they stretch and encircle.
Sufficient to their purpose,
words don’t fail me.
Feelings impossible to quantify or understand
become tangible, ideas made substantial,
absorbed into the universe
yet marked as distinct.
Through words
I know and I am known
—Christina Knowles (2015)
It’s that time of year, hopefully not the only time of year, when we take stock of all the good things in our lives and express our gratitude. Well, this year has been a difficult one, and it would probably be a lot easier to list all of the things that went wrong, but that makes engaging in this type of positive reflection even more important. Realizing how good I really have it is most critical when it seems like everything is going wrong. So here are a few things for which I’m very thankful.
He’s compassionate and sincere. My husband is a true artist, a musician, who feels deeply, sees deeply, and thinks deeply. He also makes me laugh every day. When I feel lost and alone, he’s there to let me know that he’s always on my side. He’s loyal and understanding, and he never expects me to be anything other than what I am. He doesn’t need to be in charge or have everything his way. He respects my independence with no macho bullshit, and his easy-going personality makes our home a peaceful refuge from the harsh world.
We don’t agree on everything, but we always love each other. They are the kind of people you can always count on to drop everything and be there when you need them. My sisters and I get together often for movie nights and scrapbooking days. We are so different from one another, but it never matters when we are laughing and talking, sharing stories from our individual lives.
I am thankful that my children are healthy and are passionately pursuing things they love. 
I’m thankful for the medical science that has given my grandson the opportunity for a vibrant and happy life, and I’m thankful that my other grandson is full of joy and enthusiasm for life.4. Home. I appreciate my cozy home. 
With all of its needed repairs and upkeep, my home is a beautiful refuge for me, and I love coming home to it every day. I love spending time with my husband and dog in front of a cozy fire on a cold day and planting flowers in our jungle of a yard in the summer. I love puttering around in my art studio, writing on my computer, or curling up in our family-room-converted-to-library, reading a book. It’s pure peace and relaxation.
5. Friends. I am thankful for my close friends, old and new. 
Some I see all the time, and some I see a few times a year, but I love them all. I am grateful that my friends do not engage in typical “friend drama.” They are mature and above that nonsense. 
They are trustworthy. I can tell my friends anything and everything, and I do. My secrets are safe with them. I am safe with them. I can be myself without any pretense, and I am still loved and accepted. They make me laugh and think. They are silly, bold, caring, intellectual, and fun. I am lucky to have them.
6. Employment. This has been a good year at work, at all of my jobs. 
Teaching high school is wonderful if you do it right. This year I’ve set boundaries with how much work I will do at home. I work my butt off all day, stay late if necessary, and barely touch it when I go home. My students are sweet, smart, and amazing, and they make it rewarding. I have a great team this year in the English department too. We really enjoy each other, and the wide-range of personalities has made lunch and meetings a lot of fun. My administration is the best I’ve ever had. They respect us and are reasonable, and they’re just good, real people.
Moonlighting at the college, teaching writing has been really fun. I enjoy the diverse interaction, the freedom, and the academic atmosphere. The extra money is good too. Of course, writing is my passion, and I am thankful for this blog, where I am free to express myself. Writing my blog is so fulfilling and freeing. Writing makes me understand myself and the world better. This year I’ve written tons of poetry and am working on a new suspense thriller as well. I have also enjoyed creating the cover for my new book. 
This is the first time I have ever taken a design from concept to completion all by myself. It was challenging and fun. I can’t wait to do it again.
7. Dog. I am grateful that I come home each day to a sweet little guy named Chacho.
He fits in with us so well. He’s laid-back and gentle. His personality is quite human. Chacho is sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily if he is slighted in some way, but he forgives easily as well. He is independent and doesn’t need a lot, but he does need love, some cuddling, yummy food, walks around the neighborhood, and trips to the dog park. Chacho deserves all this and more. He is so easy to take care of—he never chews up our things, he doesn’t have accidents in the house, he makes us laugh and smile, and he loves us.
8. Colorado. 
I am so thankful that I get to live in one of the most beautiful and pristine places in the world. Colorado has so much of what I love—great weather, snow, snow, snow, but it’s hardly ever bitterly cold. We get wonderful fluffy snowstorms, and then the snow melts, and we have mild temperatures again. It never gets too hot in the summer. Colorado has gorgeous mountains and clear, clean air. Colorado Springs is in the foothills of Pikes Peak, and we are surrounded by forests, jutting red rocks, crystal clear lakes, and snow-covered mountains. 
There’s a reason why so many Christmas movies are set in Colorado. We have bike trails, dog parks, river-rafting, skiing, and the cozy little tourist towns everyone loves—the kind that seem like they came right out of a Hallmark movie. We have hippies, hipsters, and cowboys, and we usually get along together. I love my Colorado.
9. Community groups. I am grateful for community groups like the Pikes Peak Atheists and Freethinkers of Colorado Springs. These groups organize charity work, fundraisers, toy and clothing drives, and generally are there to help people who need it in our community without any ulterior motives. They are humanists who desire to create a better world, to increase the well-being of humans (and often animals). They are also a fun and intellectual group. We have lots of get-togethers and social activities as well. They are a wonderful support group for non-believers who live in a very religious city.
I am really thankful I found them and that they’ve been so kind to me.
10. Progress. I am thankful that even though the world seems like a crazy and dangerous place oftentimes, we are making progress in so many ways. As a people, we are becoming more open-minded, critically thinking, and accepting of diversity and human rights than ever before. We have made wonderful advances scientifically, morally, and intellectually. Perhaps, this contrast between progressive ideals and religious dogma is one reason why some of these tensions are escalating. Some people don’t want to see progress, but progress will win, and for that, I am thankful.
So, as I suspected, reflecting on the things for which I am grateful has made me realize that things are not so bad. Sure, life is difficult, and bad things happen. Sometimes just getting through the day is hard. The world is filled with tragedy and unexpected hardships. Surviving it takes a lot of energy, but there is a reason we keep at it. There are always things that make it all worthwhile. Things that make it more than bearable. Things that are downright beautiful.—Christina Knowles
Old dogs
Gray around the temples and chin
Walk with a limp
A stiff gait
But still try to chase squirrels up gnarled oaks
Old dogs
Still enjoy slow strolls down friendly streets
Sniffing everyone they meet
Greeting neighbors and young pups
Even though they don’t smell much anymore
Old dogs
Reminisce about their youth
Days when you threw the ball in the park
And they could run like the wind and you tired long before them
Old dogs
Are more interested in tummy rubs and loving scratches behind the ears
Than in begging for treats
Or playing tug-of-war with an old rope
But they’ll still gather the energy to play
If it will make you happy
Old dogs
Embarrass easily
When the mailman sneaks up on them unnoticed
They look around to make sure you didn’t see them
Letting down their guard
Old dogs
Try hard to do their duties
Even if you tell them that it’s time
Time for them to be cared for now
Old dogs
Will muster up excitement when you come in the door
After a long hard day
They won’t let you think for a moment
That you weren’t missed
Old dogs
Fall asleep next to you and don’t wake up when you leave the room
When they do wake, they struggle to their feet
Joints stiff, and go searching for you
Old dogs
Are wiser than young dogs
They know the value of a life-long friendship
They don’t care about slippers anymore
Just companionship and loyalty
Old dogs
Can’t hear or see very well
Except with their hearts
They are selfless souls
Growing more pure with each passing year
Old dogs
Feel shame if they can’t keep up with you
Until they see their own heart shining back at them
And then they know
They’ve taught you what you needed to learn
Their work is done
Because when old dogs
Take a piece of your heart
With them when they go
You’re still better off for having known them
Because with an old dog
Your heart grows larger through each and every
Old dog you’ve ever loved.
—Christina Knowles
On a cold November day, the family’s all at home
The young, the old, the in-between
Gathered ‘round the table where the love we feel is known
Elbow to elbow, at the table we’ve outgrown
We pass the traditional cuisine
On a cold November day with the family all at home
The clattering of the dishes, the warm chaotic tone
It’s always the same beautiful routine
Gathered ‘round the table where the love we feel is shown
The smell of sage and cinnamon, satiety we bemoan
Still we pass the dishes, endless fare it seems
On a cold November day when the family’s all at home
Napping on the sofa, Grandpa snores and groans
While a Christmas movie plays on the TV screen
We’ve gathered ‘round the fire where the love we feel is known
The bantering and the laughing, the joyful overtone
Grouping for a photo, capturing the scene
On a cold November day with the family all at home
Gathered ‘round the fire where the love is always known—Christina Knowles (2014)
Photo snagged from hdwallpapers
Do you mean to kill me slowly?
Breath by breath
Smothering me with every withheld word
Every silent occasion
Your absence screams
What you won’t say
Do you want to break me,
Utterly destroy me?
Do you even realize
Your words unspoken
Choked down and swallowed
Suck the air from the world?
Suffocating, desperate for relief
Sliding, grasping at anything
To assuage the pain that unexpectedly leaps
Into my consciousness
Pain that lies dull and dormant
Until the stillness arrives
Do you want to empty me?
Hollow me
Till I blow away in the wind?
Or turn me to vacant stone?
My slow transformation
Unexplained
In the darkness, I will the coldness to take over
Till I’m the tomb and not the body
—Christina Knowles (2015)
“Honesty”
Like through crystal clear glass
I see you beyond
The unconscious impasse
Your words and your actions correspond
Not even a mist fogs this air
Things we share impossibly
Risking all that we care
For honesty
Because without it, we’re just strangers
Alone in the world of the mind
Lonely traitors
Intimacy left behind
Without truth
We can’t find each other
Play the game of sleuth
Why bother?
The real me misconstrued
The real you
Subdued
Living lives we never knew
So, with you, only honesty
I won’t conceal me
No pretense; an improbability
But there’s no lying harmlessly
No caravan of tales
I don’t want to live alone
Because honestly, pretending pales
In the light of being known
—Christina Knowles
Disturbing the Universe 
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