Every year about this time, like most people, I reflect on the things for which I am grateful. But what does gratitude look like when you’ve just been diagnosed with cancer?
A cancer diagnosis will shake anyone, and I admit, I took a few days to cry about the scary and unknown outcome of my diagnosis. But as a self-labeled secular pagan Buddhist, I know what I should be doing, and by should, I mean what will alleviate suffering. When the reality of having cancer hit me, I told myself to just breathe, to be with the breath. If I could just focus on the breath right now, where nothing bad was going to happen, I’d be okay. I mean, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and this diagnosis wouldn’t have meant a thing, right? None of us know how long we have or what the future holds. That’s why we need to live in the only time we are sure to have, right now.
And ironically, as the doctors were giving me the bad news, they told me how important it is to stay positive. At first it was hard to be positive about having cancer, so I just told myself to focus on what I know I am grateful for. The more you practice gratitude, the easier it becomes, even when you wouldn’t expect it to be. Sometimes gratitude just sneaks up on me, and I’m overwhelmed with the realization of how absolutely beautiful this life is, and how extraordinarily lucky we are to be here experiencing it. This feeling will sometimes come upon me so suddenly that I am caught breathless, or I am brought suddenly to tears with the recognition of it.
So what about now? Am I lucky? Absolutely, it turns out I am even luckier than I knew. With the news of my diagnosis, the generosity and compassion of friends and coworkers astonished me. Every day someone is offering me so much more than support. They are offering me time and themselves. My friends offer to take me to appointments, take me out for girls’ nights, bring me food, do my laundry, travel across the country to take care of me, talk to me for hours on the phone, or text me first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to sleep. I don’t really need anyone to take care of me, at least not yet. I have my husband, Randy, and he is my rock, but I love knowing that they would be there when I need them.
Today, at the cancer center, I felt so cared for by the staff, nurses, and doctors. They are so professional, compassionate, and kind. Any recovery I make will be mostly due to them and the scientific progress they are committed to. But there is so much more to be grateful for everywhere I turn. So, according to tradition, here is my list of things I am grateful for this year.
- Gratitude: I am grateful that I have the ability to be grateful. I love that a sunset or a beautiful piece of music can bring me to tears.
- My husband: Sometimes you really hit the marriage lottery, and I did. My husband is everything I want and need. He is loving, gentle, compassionate, real, loyal, and always, always there for me, but most importantly, he makes me laugh.
- Friends and loved ones: I always say I have the best friends in the world, and I really do. My friends are the kind of friends I can tell anything to and be accepted. I am lucky enough to have deep friendships that stand the test of time and distance. One of my very close friends is coming to stay with me during and after my surgery in December. This is a huge sacrifice as she has work and a family, and well, it’s in December—and she doesn’t like rain. I have so many friends in Colorado, but I also have such good friends here in Oregon, and we’ve become close in the four years I’ve lived here. I have several friends here that I can lean on whenever I need to.
- Great coworkers and a good job: I am so lucky to work with the best group of caring people to whom I am already getting attached. The benefits of my job couldn’t be more ideal for a person in my situation. Plus, I actually like going to work.
- Oregon: I can’t say enough about how much I love this place, from the spectacular waterfalls to the snow-capped peaks, from the giant moss-covered trees and lush ferns to the dramatic rocky coast. I love that it rains all winter, the grass is literally always green, spring flowers pop out in February, and a weeping Alaskan cedar grows next to a tropical palm tree. How cool is that?
- Home: I love my cozy little home. We call it Storybrook Hollow because inside it is a fairytale cottage mashup of a Hobbit hole, a medieval castle, and the Gryffindor common room at Hogwarts. It is my peaceful haven where Pyewacket and Walter are always there to cuddle, and I’m surrounded by music and my favorite books. I’m grateful for my backyard, which is my personal paradise where I love to meditate.
- Today: I am grateful for this day. Today is all I am guaranteed (this moment actually), and I’m not going to throw it away worrying about a future day that may or may not ever come. Today I am alive and content. I’m joyful even. This day is glorious and worthy of my attention.
So, I’m going to stop at lucky seven even though there is so much more for which I am thankful. I’ll save those for contemplating another day. I hope you all have a lovely Thanksgiving day and every day is something to relish.—Christina Knowles
Recent Comments